At Number Ones with Nature

Hello again, folks! You'll be unsurprised to hear that, yes, this is yet another toilet review but this one is a little different. I managed to secure an exclusive VIP tour of the area with one of the locals! What you're about to read is the product of that tour!

So introducing Mr Robin Toutouwai!

Cute isn't he? (Don't tell him I said that). Mr Toutouwai is a South Island Black Robin; one of New Zealand's many endemic bird species. Luckily, this wee guy (unlike his very rare Chatham Island cousin) is not one of NZ's many threatened bird species.

Mr Toutouwai was kind enough to take me of a tour of the toilets in his area and I can tell you it was quite the cultural experience.

We started off at the lakefront. Lake Rotoroa part of the Nelson Lakes National Park which consists of the upper South Island's prettiest bodies of water. Lake Rotoroa is less frequently visited than its sister, Lake Rotoiti. This probably has something to do with the ridiculously large population of sand flies (I think other countries called them midges). Provided you've got adequate bug spray though, Rotoroa is well worth a visit! Or, if you're like Mr Toutouwai, "why in the bloody hell would I want to go to some yuppie-infested, commericialised rubbish tip of a lake when I can live by this one and not have my chicks stolen and my nest nicked by a bunch of bloody dipshits!" (He's very eloquent as you can tell).

The Lake Rotoroa toilet is located just up the road from the lakefront (Mr Toutouwai grumbled about how far it was as we went up there and asked why I didn't just "crap on takeoff"). While my dear local guide refused to come in ("been trapped in there with a tourist who had just had a big feed of chickpea curry. I still haven't regained my full sense of smell"), I went and checked out the bog. It's well ventilated with a suspended roof to keep air flowing (so god knows how Mr Toutouwai got stuck in there). The toilets are flushing, well lit by sensor lights (yay for not wasting power!)and clean. There are men's and women's side but by far the most exciting feature is the heaters behind the toilets! Lake Rotoroa gets pretty cold in the winter so they were recently installed to stop the pipes freezing and keep all the water works working. You will need to bring your own soap though as there is a sink outside but no other hand washing facilities ("hands are stupid anyway; what's the point!").

You may surprised to know that I did continue the tour with Mr Toutouwai. Despite his abrasive personality, he knew the area well and, from Lake Rotoroa, he took me up Gowan Valley Road with the promise of "one shithole to rule them all" (yes, the bird quotes Lord of the Rings). We stopped beside a seemingly abandoned hut and Mr Toutouwai led me out the back of it to what he claimed was a toilet. He wasn't wrong about it being a shithole. I'm not entirely sure you could even consider it a step up from Dun Mountain's toilet (read my post "I Dun Did It" for that review). Maybe half a step. While it did have a toilet seat this time, it was still a long drop and still an open air stall. The view was arguably better; you can watch Mr Toutouwai and his friends fly past and perv at you on the loo ("humans are so immodest!"). Also the sound of the river close by is fantastic for hurrying things along. But it's the bullet holes that really make it. Yes, folks, someone had used the shitter for target practice. Keep your head down low, bring your own toilet paper and maybe wear a pair of ear muffs if you're willing to brave this latrine!

Mr Toutouwai and I headed to Murchison after that for some normality and a coffee. Murchison is named after a Scottish geoloist by the name of Robert Murchison. It's probably best known from its glory days during New Zealand's gold rush and for the earthquake of 1929 which basically razed it to the ground.

As for toilets, Murch has two. The first is on the main Road and basically the first thing you'll see on your left if you're entering Murchison from the Nelson side. These toilets are just your average public affair; well ventilated, relatively clean, smells like they're trying to hide the smell of human waste (relatively successfully might I add), but I will say that if you head into the women's side you're in luck. Yes folks you have not one but two sanitary bins beside you so you can choose where you put your tampons, pads or the blood-stained evidence of a recent murder. Murchison knows people don't like to be forced into things so they grant you independence with their selection of sanitary bins. (But seriously who needs two sanitary bins? What's the point? Did they have one on the men's side and then the lads got squeamish and wanted it out? Is it so they don't have to get someone into empty it as often?) Anyway, pretty good Main Road Murch; pretty good!

As for Murchison's second public outhouse, you'll find this on Fairfax St which is just off the main drag. Mr Toutouwai was excited to show me this one because "my cousin's daughter's best friend's husband's auntie's son to another robin was born on that roof!". I'm just as confused as you by this. Birds, eh? Anyway, it was red and artsy but not in a garish way. Clean, well ventilated and well maintained; it gave you what you would expect from a bog. Nothing more and nothing less.

The next one was (in Mr Toutouwai's words) "a real doozy." We headed to Lake Rotoiti; the Cinderella to Lake Rotoroa's misunderstood Ugly Stepsister. I mean it both literally and figuratively when I say, HOLY SHIT. This place is the Sistine Chapel of Shit; Leonardo Da Vinci was rejoicing, the choir was singing, Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam finally let God and Adam touch fingers. This was peak public bog right here. All Mr Toutouwai's bullshit on the half hour drive out of the way to get there was worth it for the toilet alone. This Mausoleum of Refuse has men's and women's sides with a baby changing station on the women's (yay gender roles :/ ). But it's the stall size that is the real zinger. Every single one is all accessible and has a little bench in it so you don't have to put your stuff on the floor plus enough room in them that you can "get your daks up and down without bruising your elbows on the walls" (no points for guessing who chirped that one liner). They have handwashing and hand drying. Just in general, this was a beautiful experience for a National Park toilet.

We move to the penultimate toilet now, folks, and I'm sorry to report it was a step down from our previous adventure. Mr Toutouwai thought I might like to contrast the beauty of the lakefront bog with the boxy terror of the Main Road one. Yes Lake Rotoiti possesses two public toilets but you are far better off going three minutes out of your way to the lakefront for a tinkle than you are going to the ones of the Main Road. Mr Toutouwai once again refused to come in with me ("Dave braved going in there and we never saw him again." Hell if I know who Dave is but whatever.) so I checked it out alone. They were unisex and very whiffy. There was an all access toilet complete with shower but someone had stolen the shower hose and head so that wasn't going to do much in the way of cleaning you. These toilets were well equipped but less than appealing. As Mr Toutouwai put it, "they've got the shit but they ain't good for shit."

After Lake Rotoiti, Mr Toutouwai bade me farewell and I began the two hour drive home. I did find one last toilet on the way though. For the final bog, we got a bit futuristic. Wakefield is a little settlement about forty minutes out of Nelson and it features a very hi-tech public loo. I'll warn you now if you're anything like my brother and you can't find relief while you're under pressure then maybe this isn't the toilet for you. Click the button on the outside and the door swooshes open to admit you to a tiny little room that looks like it could be an escape pod in Star Trek. It's on a timer so again not good for the anxious shitter but if you're the type who's quite happy to drop the kids at the pool and run, you'll be all good. It stinks a bit in there but it's pretty clean and, honestly even if you just stop there to amuse the kids (I used to beg my parents to let me pee there), it'll do the job.

So that's it! A collection of public privies on the path to, through and from the Nelson Lakes National Park. I'd like to thank Mr Toutouwai for being a pain in my ass, my arms for always being by my sides and my parents for having me.

Happy crapping, everyone!

Bibliography:

http://nzbirdsonline.org.nz/species/south-island-robin

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murchison,_New_Zealand